The Chef is Out....Way Out

I received an invitation to a bridal shower the other day. And tucked inside was what has recently become in vogue; a card on which  for me to write down my favorite recipe for the bride.

Well, this leaves me with a dilemma.

I still have the recipe "Betty Jo's Burnt Toast". I've tried it a few times, but frankly it makes me too nervous. I'm always afraid the toaster oven will burst into flames.

And then there is "Brenda's Boiled Water". This seems like a cinch.  But as you may already know, a watched pot never boils, and I just don't have time to stand around.

Now, I can cook taters. Fried, mashed, stewed, baked, cheesed, garlicked, you name it.

I can bake, broil, roast, fry, and use chicken in creamed sauces.

I make a mean spaghetti sauce.

T-bone steaks, watch out.

I can cook a pone of cornbread.

Green beans, field, blackeye, crowder and icky green peas, I can cook.

Biscuits taste good, but I can't get them to stick together.

I see a recipe in a magazine and the name of  it sounds good. The magazines says something like "Throw Together  Dinner in Eight Easy Minutes"

As follows:

Pre-heat oven to 450 degrees.

I can do that. Well, technically, I can't. My digital thingie that controls the zero and the nine won't work, so I have to put it on 448.  Then the oven beeps at me and changes it to 450, as if to say, "Fool! I don't do 448!"

But by the time I start reading the ingredients, I quickly see something I don't only not have, I have never even heard of the ingredient in all my 59  years.

I quietly close the magazine, hunt up Domino's coupons, give them a quick call,  and pick up my latest book of fiction.

I suspect the recipe is fiction, too.

Maybe I can write on the bride-to-be's recipe card about 'whop 'em' biscuits.

You  know you have to hit the cardboard exactly right on the precise edge of the counter or you won't be able to open them correctly.

That right there could be a chef's worse nightmare, that could.