Southern Writers and Their Pretend Counterparts

I have just finished a book by an allegedly southern author.

She is not.

She may say she lives in the south, and maybe she does. But I bet she hasn't lived here more than a few years, and that as a middle age adult.

She 'thinks' she's got us down pat, and truly believes she can write a southern story.

She has people who will publish her, praise her, and even hang out with her. Those who hang out with her perhaps have hopes that the people who publish her and praise her will publish and praise them. Heck if I know.

What I do know is something she doesn't: Southern can't be faked.

I don't imagine I could move to Boston and live for a few years, then write a book and sound like I was born and bred there.

I was insulted, amused, embarrassed and ashamed while reading this book, depending on what page I was on.

Since when do Southern people end sentences by saying 'yous'. Huh?

And how do we can fresh-picked-out of the garden-out back-tomatoes in December? (This book is supposed to take place somewhere in the mountains of north Georgia.)

And how are we supposed to be out working in the garden in January? Sitting on the front porch? In the heat, I might add.

If southerners have any education at all, they surely don't write and spell like they sound...

Unless, of course, you are a character in a person's book who thinks they do.

Lord help us all.

What if folks who do not know any better buy books written by people like her and take it home and believe that is who we are?

The belief of who we are, how we act, how we think, how smart we are, etc. is already skewed enough.

As she proves.

Imposter!

Regular Writers versus Southern Writers

It dawned on me the difference between we who are Southern writers and those who are not.

I am reading a novel, and the main character is a chef of fame. She has cooked a romantic dinner for her possible boyfriend. There are double chocolate brownies in the oven.

The oven dings. She says, "That's the brownies."

Then the doorbell rings, and her landlord gives her a message.

We never hear more about the brownies. Not if they burned to a crisp during the upset, nothing about them being taken out and wrapped for later, or how wonderful they tasted on the way to the airport.

Nada.

You see, some authors use food as a filler. Background music, if you will.

Southern writers, on the other hand, use food as a main character.

I hope you never find a southern character sitting before a well described meal "moving her food around with her fork, her appetite suddenly gone." Or "The meal was forgotten as passion overtook the couple."

Now, I've known passion, folks. But it ain't never got in the way of my T-bone steak and baked potato.

I want to hear how the food tasted. What they talked about while they ate it. How their granny came up with that particular recipe during the Great Depression, making it taste better'n ever.

Beat me with a stick if I ever don't give good food its due in my books, will ya?

Thanks in advance.