Riddle of the Day

Okay, okay: How many new vacuum cleaners must you buy before one actually, like, you know, works?

Answer: We don't know yet, 'cause so far we are three for 0.

Our ancient vacuum (read two years old) died and when you have a zoo living in your home, that's pretty close to a national emergency.

So, off goes Husband to purchase a brand spanking new one.

He gets home with a brand you would all recognize, puts it together, turns it on, and...

The animals froze in absolute terror, then took off for parts unknown. Daughter and I were screaming, "Turn it off, turn it off!" at the top of our lungs.

"What?" Husband screamed back.

"TURN IT OFF!"

It was louder than a 747 taking off while you stood underneath it, and I ain't kidding.

Husband re-packs it (sort of) in the box and goes back to the store to return it.

Vacuum number two arrives, a different and well known brand, and Husband once again puts it together. The side attachment, the hose that cleans corners and furniture, would not suction. He crams it back in the box and goes back to town.

Reverting back to the previous brand, but a bigger, better model, (read over one hundred dollars more expensive) he comes home, puts it together and voila'! It works. Husband is so happy he actually vacuums!!

A few days later, when he starts to vacuum the foyer, the hose attachment won't suction. He mentions it and says he needs to read the instruction booklet, because it worked so well the first time, he's sure it's him and not the machine.

Foolish, foolish Husband.

A few more days go by. He reads the booklet. Hose won't suction. After a few strokes on the carpet, neither will the upright part suction.

Since a trip to the dump had taken place after the initial, perfect work out, and the box had taken the trip, Husband has no box to take this one back in, but they gave him his money back anyway. I guess they figured a  man holding a huge vacuum, hair standing straight up with a maniacal look in his eye better get his money back.

He didn't purchase another one today, because he has two models he's going to look up and read reviews to see which is the better.

Wish Husband luck. I don't know how much more he can take.

 And our carpet is beginning to look like that furry stuff that was so popular back in the seventies.

As for other news, when I started to set the oven temperature to cook dinner, all digital buttons refused to work except the one, four and seven. The stove is three years old.

More on that later.

I'm sure you can hardly wait.

Housework, Housewife, Dr. House, Household, House

I've been thinking about housework. (Who am I and what have I done with me?) What got me thinking about this: the sound of the vacuum is driving me crazy. Hear that? Sheesh. Why don't they invent a silent vacuum cleaner?

Anyone?

Bueller?

We used to pay someone to clean every two weeks, and the week in-between it was "through the middle cleaning" to get by. But we can't afford that anymore. In the last two years my insurance has gone up over two hundred dollars, and I ain't had a raise on my retirement check since 2004.

So now, it's divided by three and I use that mathematical term loosely. I do what little piddly stuff I can, my husband does whatever he can't keep putting off after DAYS of putting it off and then being so dramatic about how hard he works that I'd just about skip grocery shopping for a week and hire someone again, except I really like to eat. (Shut up)

My daughter does a lot. She is in college and works part of a day at the church, but she's been unable to find a part time job, so I gave her one. The pay is pretty good. She gets a roof over her head and food. It's sort of like living in one of those posh resorts with all the amenities, like running water and stuff.

We are having a guest this afternoon, plus it's Thursday and things really go downhill here by Thursday. Lots of trash, lots of dust, lots of cat/dog/people hair, everywhere. Especially cat hair. We have one cat that can crouch and squeeze her eyes closed and drop four or five clumps of hair on the spot. She's very talented.

And, have you ever noticed, you think your house is clean and then you are going to have company and it's like the whatyoumacallits fall from your eyes? Look at those cobwebs! See that pile of books that haven't been moved since 1989! And where, may I ask, did that come from? Unbelievable.

I cleaned out the kitchen sink with Comet after my daughter cleaned up the kitchen, and I happened to glance up at the window sill in front of me. Oh. my. lord. I usually think of this as a pleasant place. I have a little carved bluebird, a tiny watering can with wild flowers painted on it, a pretty snow ball plant, and Tobias.

Tobias is a beta and he swims around and watches everything we do. He really likes for us to be at the sink and stove; I guess it's entertaining to him.

But the window sill was no longer a nice, smooth cream color. It was fuzzy and scuzzy. I'm a poet and don't know it.

So I took all the aforementioned stuff off the sill and got the old Windex out and cleaned her off.

Now the house is immaculate.

Somebody turn that durn vacuum cleaner off!

Ahh, that's better.

I wonder if I have time for a nap before company....